I am a person who likes to be in control, I like to plan things out and I like for things to go as planned. But the time I spend looking back over my life, (another NOT living in the moment) the more I see that control is an illusion. The things I DID control often turned out disastrously, mainly because I was trying to control other people, and that is impossible, not to mention a miserable way to live, both for the person you are trying to control and for yourself.
I have also spent many years blaming my parents, my ex’s, and other people for things that happened in my life. But yesterday I had an epiphany. The words came to me “No one has done anything to you.” This was a major breakthrough. I began to see clearly that the majority of negative things from my recent past I had created, or at least played a major role in allowing their creation. Like Dr. Phil says, “You teach people how to treat you.” I felt lighter than I had in years. And I was reminded of what Elizabeth Gilbert said in her book, “Eat, Pray, Love,” that if you can put aside your judgments and false beliefs and truly listen to the universe, the truth will not be withheld from you. She also warned that you might not like what you see. But like I read in the book, “Codependent No More” if you can accept yourself, all of things you are and the things you have done, then you are finally on the side of reality.
Which brings me to this thought provoking post I read at Steve Pavlina’s blog Personal Development for Smart People on Subjective Reality. It took reading Steve’s beliefs about the nature of reality and consciousness for me to begin to see what he was talking about. Basically he is saying that we are all one and what we believe and think we manifest into the universe. I am finally, at the age of almost 53, beginning to understand how powerful thought is. Thought creates everything. Energy follows thought. We create our own reality with our thoughts. Remember the saying, “Create a thought, create an action, create an action, create a habit, create a habit, create a destiny?”I read that somewhere many years ago, but never realized how true it is until lately.
All of this self evaluation has come about with my new year’s resolution to recover from the depression of losing my son three years ago and my husband leaving last year. I am determined to make 2008 the best year I have ever had. I want to grow older gracefully, to learn how to accept reality, to find peace in my life, and maybe even love again someday, when I have truly learned to love myself. The only thing standing in my way now is fear.
I have struggled with anxiety for years. But I am also beginning to understand that, for me, anxiety is yet another manifestation of my wanting to control things. I was raised in a very dysfunctional home, the oldest child always trying to placate violent and alcoholic parents and protect my younger siblings from their wrath, often taking said wrath upon myself. This caused me to grow up believing that I had to control things or something terrible would happen. The worst part of this is that I ended up creating an adulthood where I believed that I had to compete with others all the time, in everything. I have been battling a universe that didn’t want to battle back, creating chaos where none existed, because I grew up believing that chaos was normal.. This has caused me much misery and I have also hurt and alienated people because of these false assumptions.
I have been playing old tapes in my head that say I am not good enough, not pretty enough, that I have to jump through hoops to get people to like me, that I must go the extra mile. All of these things have not come to me immediately. Change is a process. It has taken years of study, pray and self evaluation to finally come to a point where I am getting it. I realize now that I have given fear control over my life and the only way to change that is to offer up myself to the universe, and realize that I am no different from anyone else. We are all afraid, the only difference in others and me is that I was setting myself apart, considering myself separate, either inferior or superior, but always different, viewing the universe as hostile, and letting fear be the basis for so many decisions. And the thing about it is, the more you think about fear the more power you give it. It becomes your reality. Reading this post, Life-Changing Keys to Overcoming Fear at the Positivity Blog has helped me to see what I have been doing and what I can do to change. Simple let go. Surrender. Trust that the universe is benevolent and that I am part of it. I was from the day I arrived.
But I have to tell you, the way I have lived my life has been exhausting. In fact, the last few years haven’t been like living at all. When ego rules your life you are bound to be miserable. The more bad things that happened, the more tightly I tried to hold on to control, the more tightly I held on, the more anxious I became. It has been a vicious cycle that I am determined to break. In fact, I feel the chains of misery lessening everyday. I feel peaceful today. I have slowed way down. I am not worrying about tomorrow today. I am living in the moment as I write this, smiling, because I DO believe that I can change my life. True joy comes from forgetting self and moving into a state of God-like consciousness, as Steve Pavlina points out in his article on Subjective Reality.
I found this brand new site yesterday that is in beta called Tools to Life and have joined it. It is completely free. It is a workshop/support group that will help you overcome whatever obstacles in your life that are keeping you from living up to your full potential. It is not just about personal issues either, there is help for any problem you want to overcome, including career and business. I have just gotten started on my first day and I am already seeing that this WILL work. I like this quote that I read in the Train Your Brain section. The procedure is simple. You work by continuous repetition of an idea, plan, or purpose, until it is accepted by the subconscious mind. Napoleon Hill said “I WILL learn to live in the present moment. I WILL overcome fear. I WILL gracefully grow into the woman that has resided in my heart all along, a kind, loving, funny, and lovable lady. I know this WILL be my reality because I believe it to be so.”
I hope that you will find the resources I listed here helpful if you are having issues that you want to work on. Life is truly too short to live in misery. Wasted time. Wish me luck, good luck to you in your own journey and God bless us, one and all.